Mommy tries to find a book she doesnt hate...

   Today it was brought to my attention that I had not bought Levi any books lately.  Wanting to have a child who had read the same book so many times he quoted it like the rainman just wasn't on my bucket list if ya know what I mean. So, I hit amazon in search of quality reading material for my son.  What I ran across on Amazon was far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.  It was comedy gold.  All I shall say is this, buy your child a book but use your god damn brain.  The titles I am about to show you are REAL books.. and my real immediate thoughts on these books.

Ahhh ... a fine lesson in economics.. especially considering you go to Amazon and look this bad boy up and it shows "The House That Crack Built" has a swimming pool. Now I know my four year old is going to walk up to me later and say "MOMMY! Why dont you sell crack these people have a swimming pool?!" 

Holy fucking shit amazon.. yal will let anyone sell their fucking book wont you ...

Ok.. this title depressed me. The concept that anyone would get their child a book to cope with having a drunk father instead of removing the drunk father from their lives was infuriating.  Then the comedian in me clicked to read some of the book and died a little inside. I will quote from the book. 
"For Christmas, Daddy made me a sled.  He brought it to my room on Christmas Eve.  I knew it was only Daddy in a Santa Claus suit because he bumped into my bed twice and spilled beer on the rug." 
I'm never buying this book for my child... besides I may die inside if I read it.

Ok.. they really could have named this one better....

I'll admit I laughed outloud but then I promptly shook my finger at the publisher and decided this was not the book for my son.

 This book is going to give me nightmares...  the real groner was that they tried a play on words for the title.  The artistry alone makes me believe that someone either has a crippling fear of anything that causes fire or an immortal hatred for children.  

If it were "A fire safety story for the whole family" it wouldnt just be the kids running like hell...  Where the fuck are their parents while theyre about to be burned alive by zombie fire starters?

Head toward a lake brave children.. head toward a lake....

Bill O'reilly wrote a book?! For Children?! Mr O'Reilly I wouldn't allow you to shit on my lawn let alone educate my children.

I flip to the page one or so .. whatever Amazon let me preview.. and I see him say for kids mind you...

"its just a little 'tease' as we say in television"  OK.. that is not a phrase reporters use exclusively.. you didnt coin a new term.. thats a rather sexual phrase to be placed in a childrens book and spun as media jargon.

This is a sad sad tragedy in writing. What i find to be my shining moment as I sit here staring into this cover is.. someone ... somewhere.. has said these words. 

"Why yes I am a published author...oh! The name of my book? 'It Hurts When I Poop!' No.. that isnt a declaration.. its the name of my book!"

My child was never afraid to poop for fear of pain...

Ive known grown men afraid to pull their pants down to poop in truck stops but thats a different fear.. one not potty related...

When pirates are pooping and realize theyre constipated is that when they say ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Also this gives new meaning to the "Poop Deck"

Also swabbing...

Also Im not buying this book either.. it is cute though but my kid didnt learn to poop from Captain Hook ...

ok.. this is about a frog whos tummy makes weird noises and he farts when he plays.. farts when he eats.. farts farts farts..

My child already finds farts funny.. Im not buying him this book or ill never stop hearing 

"HAHA! I FARTED BY YOU!"

Ok.. A LIFT THE FLAP INSTRUCTION MANUAL!?!!??!?!?!

This was cute when it was find the belly button i dont want to know what the fuck theyre gonna ask me to lift the flap on that requires you to poop or pee...

Stupid idea for a book... way to drop the ball assholes...

Another book to never grace my kids shelf

       


          The cover of this book will give me NIGHTMARES....
          Who's idea was this!?!  A book about conjoined twins... like.. do they           live that long without being seperated? So many questions.. but I
          MUST NOT BUY THIS BOOK... ever.. even if I want to know

*GAG* *GAG* Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Read the title slowly.....all of it.. then gag

OOOOOOHHHHH HELL NO! HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKIN NO!!! NOT ever PAYING money for this..this atrocity!

on a side note .. that does say Senor CACA! hahahahha

Dr COWEN WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS BOOK!?!?!

What is it with the reoccurring poop theme in children's books? They're already fascinated with poop.. lets not encourage it further.. lets write about something else.. just saying... and don't call it loose poops use its medical name.. this is a terrible title choice.

A book about trans-gender surgery for children...


HAHA! Just kidding its about coping with death.. just thought Id fuck with those of you who payed attention this long..





Needless to say I went with the classic "LAMA LAMA Mad At Mama" and he will love it.. I hope you enjoyed the giggle. YES These are real titles and real books..   Also my real uncensored opinion on these books