God I wish I had a wingman...

     There are times in your life when having someone with you to get your back would be AMAZING and helpful. Wing men aren't just for guys looking to pick up chicks.  Girls have them too. Most of the time we have them to run OFF men who seem creepy or stalkerish. Especially since some of us *cough* BRIANNA *cough* get drunk and try to be nice. 
     I would like to have had a companion on several instances in my life.  For one theres the story of the unguarded outhouse.  I went to the lake one weekend to fish and camp.  I was totally alone the first night and my friends were going to be there that morning.  So at about 10pm I got the unstoppable urge to poop.  So I walk down to the crude lake port a potties and realize none of them have locks on the doors. Some ever helpful person had thoughtfully removed them. 
    I step inside and after swatting a few hundred spiders with a newspaper I finally felt safe enough to declare dukliar war on krapistan. I pull the pants down, sit on the toilet and get ready to relieve myself.  As I am enjoying my evacuation plan I hear something move outside in the bushes. 

Fuck Im going to die taking a shit... theres a serial killer or pervert stalkin the damn port a potty and I cannot get off here. 

The wind catches the door and blows it open.

Haha oh..whew its just the wind.  I am so retarded... wait.. wait.. whats that ... HOLY SHIT ITS A SKUNK

About a foot out I can see this skunk. I inhale deeply and hold it.  JESUS dont let me make a sound or this is gonna be bad.  At that moment my body decided that what I really needed to do was fart.  I could feel the familiar rumble in my stomach as I clenched my ass cheeks together and prayed to GOD to rescue me. This would have been a great time to have a wing man who could have hurled rocks at the animal. 

OH.. fucking seriously?!! Now?! I have to fart.. NOW? You can do this.. dont breathe.. dont move.. dont even think about it... Go away mr skunk... go away.. shit its sniffin this way.. oh shit oh shit..

That fucking skunk turned and edged toward the port a potty and starts sniffin around.  He looks up at me with his tiny black eyes and just as hes about to back out my bowels gave way.

FRAPP BUMP BUMP THURPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

The sound that echoed out of that port a potty sounded like a demon had just spoken from my asshole.  That god damn skunk turned and sprayed me as he ran off into the night.  I was gagging... choking... and it was all I could do to get my god damn pants up. 

Well needless to say I wasnt going to get into my car smelling like that. So I call my friend who had a pickup and I said I need some tomato juice and a bathtub.  He snorts and says .. "Did ya get sprayed". 

Fuck yes Dennis I got sprayed you stupid son of a bitch... 

"Yea.. I got sprayed.."

"What were you doing?"

"I was designing a nuclear weapon for Russia Dennis... what the fuck do you think I was doing Im in the fucking woods.. SKUNKS are found in the woods Dennis..Just come get me so I can get this shit off of me.."

(click) Oh I was pissed. I could hear him laughing at me even now and it enraged me. 

What did he want me to say... I was NEVER going to tell HIM what happened. I would NEVER live it down.. OH HELL NO.. Dennis would NEVER know ... EVER.. FUCKING EVER...

So in conclusion ... there are just times when a wingman would have been useful in my life.  Someone to throw rocks at the skunk and then I never would have thrown up about five times in the woods that night waiting on Dennis to get off his fat ass and come get me.  I think he took his sweet fucking time on purpose. I rode back in the truck all the way to his mommas house who knew just what to do.  She never asked me how it happened. She just knew I didnt want to talk about it.. I just wanted the smell gone.

Family is costing me $75 an hour but I get prozac out of the deal...

        I think every one of us out there have had moments with their family that caused you to shudder later on when you recalled them. I know I have... GOD KNOWS I HAVE!  In fact I have had more than one instance of my family being born without the natural filter instilled in a majority of normal people.  You know the one, the filter that fits in that spot between your brain and your mouth. 
     I have thought countless times about buying face diapers for members of my family because they just randomly developed wicked cases of verbal diarrhea.  They cant even seem to stop themselves.. their lips open.. and SHIT just FALLS the fuck out.  It always seems to fall out when I am sitting there too... leaving me in a state of shock which has given me a wicked permanent case of the shakes. I look like one of those mexican hairless chihuahuas.. I just shake all the time.  I KNOW thats why I cant get a job because they think I have a case of the D.T.s just to pass the piss test to work. 
     I really cant pin it on just one family member either. Every single mother fucker in my gene pool has at some point or another pissed in the proverbial fucking water with their stories or information. We've all at some point over shared with someone... well try multiplying your worst over share ever times a BILLION and you have my family. 
     In fact this is a real conversation that happened at THANKSGIVING.

Imagine four cousins around a table having a nice conversation about work.

Cousin 1: "And thats pretty much what I do at work"
Cousin 2: "That is so INTERESTING!"

Enter my grandma who sits in the middle of us and says loudly.

Gma: "Did yal know that vasoline will eat THROUGH a condom?!"

Holy shit Im deaf.. Im fucking deaf... This cannot be happening.. cmon Jesus fucking come through for me for once and STRIKE ME DEAF... 

I wiggled my nose like Bewitched.. I prayed to FIVE different Gods all at once.. I even feigned cerebal palsy.. I started shaking and jerking... she NEVER fucking stopped.

Gma: "Neither did I! Who knew?! Seven kids later I think we got it figured out!"

OH my fucking GOD... I am not deaf at all.. Jesus WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?! 

With that my grandma got up and left the table.  Leaving all of us with the clear understanding that NOT ONLY did her and my grandpa screw.. but they did so with the intention of never having children and instead ended up with SEVEN of them... Also I was in a full epileptic episode by this point anyway so my level of understanding had been reverted to that of a three year old.... THANKFULLY...

Another good example is when I was bout 22 my mom developed this need to try to disturb or shock me into ever EVER EVER understanding that she was a sexual being.  I actually developed long lasting black out episodes after this period in my life.  Below is an actual conversation I had with my mother.. well what i recall of it...

I am getting a glass of water in my mom's kitchen when she reaches into the fridge and somehow Im not sure how.. I blame the black outs... My mom finds the need to say the words 'blow job' to me... My brain had a fucking WRECK in my skull... smoke.. glass.. blood.. and I think I heard a siren... it could have been a circuit frying... im not sure.. there was an odd smell and a metallic taste in my mouth for a week afterward...

Mom: "blah blah.. blowjob.."

This is not happening to me... smile..act normal... dont let her get to you... 

Me: "WOAH MOM! JESUS CHRIST! I dont want to hear that shit..."

Mom: "Whats the matter you think your mom never gave a blowjob in her lifetime?"

Omg Im blacking out.. man DOWN.. MAN DOWN.. SOS.. S.. O.. FUCKING ... S!!!!

I dont recall much past this point.. I thank all that is holy that I dont remember the rest of the conversation.. but Im sure my dad was in there somewhere... *shudders* I think I just threw up in my mouth...

I once walked in on a conversation between my two uncles that I wish I could erase.  In fact.. I am certain I will never get at least thirty minutes of my life back.. and that was POST conversation.. my brain was kind enough to allow me to hear the first two minutes of it...

Uncle 1: "Yea.. dont get me wrong Ive been with a few women in my lifetime... Im not lyin..."

Uncle 2: "Yea Ive burried my bone in more than one mound.. if you get my meaning..."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO NO NO NO NO!!! Why did I EVEN come OUT here!?!?! Am I STUPID!?! 

Thats the point where I blacked out I think.. or maybe I went into auto pilot... I dont know..

Anyway.. like I said.. everyone has been traumatized by something a family member has said. Its only natural.  Theyre people and they are gonna say some stupid shit in your lifetime.  In my family the older generation stands around at wakes and tell these stories. So not only have I heard their stupid shit.. Ive heard the stupid shit their elders said...

No wonder I need therapy...

Walmart .. have we bit off more than we can chew?

     Every single time I am in Wal-mart I see something that makes me flinch.  Today I found an article that made me flinch.  It is from March 3, 2009. WHERE THE FUCK WAS I?! I would have been all over this shit.

Found at Walmart: 10 human teeth

Associated Press

March 3, 2009, 11:07PM

FALMOUTH, Mass. — A customer shopping at a Walmart in Falmouth told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase.
Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling.
The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.
Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.
A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an "isolated incident," but will investigate.



 They will INVESTIGATE! Heres a clue .. you let the fucking killer walk out the door.  SO here's a thought... wanna off someone? Put the only evidence the LYE didnt eat into a wallet at walmart.. act concerned and walk out the FUCKING DOOR without giving your FUCKING NAME.

Now I'm not a member of law enforcement but I clearly remember from class the person who finds it is prime suspect due to proximity.  Next week they'll have someone walk up and hand them a femur out of frozen foods from under a bag of tater tots.. holy saints fuck people!

Are they doing dentistry at Walmart now? No...

GO BACK TO THE FUCKING FOOTAGE ... the sick FUCK putting the teeth in the god damn wallet will be ON CAMERA!  

Could you see getting that shit home?

"Uh.. honey..."
"Yes dear?"
"This wallet is defective.."
"Oh yea, is it missing the photo holder?"
"No, there's an entire mouth full of fucking teeth in here.."
"Just take it back on Monday dear, they'll take anything back.."

OH MY FUUUUUUCKING GOOOOOD!!!

I know if I found a mouth full of teeth in MY WALLET.. Id be pissed.  I'd be at customer service like that lady at McDonald's that found a fucking finger in a bag of fries.  Id be on the phone with my lawyer and threatening to SUE the fucking ASS off of Walmart. And with my spare bit of attention span I would be chosing non dental infested furnishings to fill my new MILLION FUCKING dollar home. 

This would be the conversation...

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MANAGER!?!"
"I am the manager maam what can I do for you?"
"THERES A MOUTH FULL .. FUCKING FULL TO THE LEATHER FUCKING BRIM FULL.. of teeth inside this wallet..."
"What? May I see it?"
"Yea but don't take off with it.. Mommy needs a new set of egyptian cotton sheets and I'll need you to go ahead and change the name of this store to 'Tinner's mother fucking WalMart'.. Thank you.." Then into the phone on one shoulder, "Tell him Im in Walmart and I just found part of a body in my wallet...Oh he'll stop golfing for this.. Yes maam.. Yes... Ill hold"
I would smile sweetly and wriggle my little freckled nose at the manager and mouth "YOURE SO FUCKED" at him ..


Anyway, enough of the rant. I want to hear what yal think so please by all means, comment on my facebook or here in the blog under comments.

Mommy tries to find a book she doesnt hate...

   Today it was brought to my attention that I had not bought Levi any books lately.  Wanting to have a child who had read the same book so many times he quoted it like the rainman just wasn't on my bucket list if ya know what I mean. So, I hit amazon in search of quality reading material for my son.  What I ran across on Amazon was far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.  It was comedy gold.  All I shall say is this, buy your child a book but use your god damn brain.  The titles I am about to show you are REAL books.. and my real immediate thoughts on these books.

Ahhh ... a fine lesson in economics.. especially considering you go to Amazon and look this bad boy up and it shows "The House That Crack Built" has a swimming pool. Now I know my four year old is going to walk up to me later and say "MOMMY! Why dont you sell crack these people have a swimming pool?!" 

Holy fucking shit amazon.. yal will let anyone sell their fucking book wont you ...

Ok.. this title depressed me. The concept that anyone would get their child a book to cope with having a drunk father instead of removing the drunk father from their lives was infuriating.  Then the comedian in me clicked to read some of the book and died a little inside. I will quote from the book. 
"For Christmas, Daddy made me a sled.  He brought it to my room on Christmas Eve.  I knew it was only Daddy in a Santa Claus suit because he bumped into my bed twice and spilled beer on the rug." 
I'm never buying this book for my child... besides I may die inside if I read it.

Ok.. they really could have named this one better....

I'll admit I laughed outloud but then I promptly shook my finger at the publisher and decided this was not the book for my son.

 This book is going to give me nightmares...  the real groner was that they tried a play on words for the title.  The artistry alone makes me believe that someone either has a crippling fear of anything that causes fire or an immortal hatred for children.  

If it were "A fire safety story for the whole family" it wouldnt just be the kids running like hell...  Where the fuck are their parents while theyre about to be burned alive by zombie fire starters?

Head toward a lake brave children.. head toward a lake....

Bill O'reilly wrote a book?! For Children?! Mr O'Reilly I wouldn't allow you to shit on my lawn let alone educate my children.

I flip to the page one or so .. whatever Amazon let me preview.. and I see him say for kids mind you...

"its just a little 'tease' as we say in television"  OK.. that is not a phrase reporters use exclusively.. you didnt coin a new term.. thats a rather sexual phrase to be placed in a childrens book and spun as media jargon.

This is a sad sad tragedy in writing. What i find to be my shining moment as I sit here staring into this cover is.. someone ... somewhere.. has said these words. 

"Why yes I am a published author...oh! The name of my book? 'It Hurts When I Poop!' No.. that isnt a declaration.. its the name of my book!"

My child was never afraid to poop for fear of pain...

Ive known grown men afraid to pull their pants down to poop in truck stops but thats a different fear.. one not potty related...

When pirates are pooping and realize theyre constipated is that when they say ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Also this gives new meaning to the "Poop Deck"

Also swabbing...

Also Im not buying this book either.. it is cute though but my kid didnt learn to poop from Captain Hook ...

ok.. this is about a frog whos tummy makes weird noises and he farts when he plays.. farts when he eats.. farts farts farts..

My child already finds farts funny.. Im not buying him this book or ill never stop hearing 

"HAHA! I FARTED BY YOU!"

Ok.. A LIFT THE FLAP INSTRUCTION MANUAL!?!!??!?!?!

This was cute when it was find the belly button i dont want to know what the fuck theyre gonna ask me to lift the flap on that requires you to poop or pee...

Stupid idea for a book... way to drop the ball assholes...

Another book to never grace my kids shelf

       


          The cover of this book will give me NIGHTMARES....
          Who's idea was this!?!  A book about conjoined twins... like.. do they           live that long without being seperated? So many questions.. but I
          MUST NOT BUY THIS BOOK... ever.. even if I want to know

*GAG* *GAG* Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Read the title slowly.....all of it.. then gag

OOOOOOHHHHH HELL NO! HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKIN NO!!! NOT ever PAYING money for this..this atrocity!

on a side note .. that does say Senor CACA! hahahahha

Dr COWEN WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS BOOK!?!?!

What is it with the reoccurring poop theme in children's books? They're already fascinated with poop.. lets not encourage it further.. lets write about something else.. just saying... and don't call it loose poops use its medical name.. this is a terrible title choice.

A book about trans-gender surgery for children...


HAHA! Just kidding its about coping with death.. just thought Id fuck with those of you who payed attention this long..





Needless to say I went with the classic "LAMA LAMA Mad At Mama" and he will love it.. I hope you enjoyed the giggle. YES These are real titles and real books..   Also my real uncensored opinion on these books

Randal is having a baby... hehe

OK.. don't freak out I'm not giving birth to a child. This is merely my account of events which took place this morning during which I exploited a man too tired to really fight back for once.  I am totally aware that I am an asshole.  I don't need you to tell me that I am an asshole.  However, if you would like to express your admiration or distaste of me feel free to do so in the below section entitled COMMENTS. 

This morning began like any other. I was sleeping safe and sound when the ungodly drone of my fucking alarm clock began creeping its way into my ear holes. Then a sound altogether new pierced the air sealing the source's fate for the day. 

"BABY.... BABY... BABY.. BABY... BABY.. GET UP.. GET UP... BABY GET UP... BABY YOUR ALARM IS GOING OFF... I HATE IT ... SHUT IT OFF.. BABY BABY BABY..."

I lay there thinking to myself, Awesome jackass then walk past me and hit the off button. Do I say this? NO of course not. I try to be civil even though my saliva was building in my mouth at the mere thought of a pillow careening into him knocking him to the ground. 

"RANDAL JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HEAR YOU... IM UP..."  OK, So I wasn't civil at all. I was however as diplomatic as six in the morning affords me the patience to be. 

"BABY....... stay sweet."

 I will fuck you up fattie... 

I roll over and rub my eyes. I thought six in the morning was a myth before my child was in school.  Hell as long as he's been alive Levi has never gotten up in my house before eight or so.  I sit up and stretch.

"BABY ARE YOU AWAKE?! I WOKE LEVI UP AND HE NEEDS TO BE DRESSED!"

Are your arms broken.. just dress the boy.. jesus fucking christ dipshit... 

"OK ... can you possibly stop talking to me like youre announcing a rodeo and your megaphone has been broken?"

"BABY... stay sweet"

Ok motherfucker when I stand up and my vision returns to normal I am going to fuck you up... 

I stand up and amble into the bathroom turn around to sit down and the door is open. A sleepy small face is staring into mine from the crack in the door.

"Mom... what are you doin.."

Im building a privacy screen to shield me from your gaze... 

"Poopin.."

He contemplates this a moment and simply replies, "Oh.. need help?"

"Not in at least the last twenty-five years son...no..."

With this he simply walks away leaving the door to swing wide open.  In his place come sauntering in our two dogs, tails wagging trying to sniff everything in sight.. including me.

"WOAH! Cold NOSE! OUT OUT OUT!! All of you OUT!"

My head pops up and Randal is standing in the doorway looking at me.

"Whats up baby?" 

I dont know thought Id take a crap in private didnt realize that would be something that would require a permit! 

"Not a thing... can you shut the door please?"

OK so now you get the picture of how my morning started. I got the kiddo off to school and drove home against the blaring light of a hell fire sun.  I'm pretty sure my angels were screaming "WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS BITCH LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!?" I have issues with my eyes for christ sake.  I cant see in direct sun very well without assistance... I drive fine.. for Oklahoma.

Then Randal and I head to Ada to get an Ultrasound of his stomach so they can determine if his gallbladder has shit the brick or not.  The whole car ride with a man who decided not sleeping was a great idea made me want to KILL HIM.

"BABY! OMG! WATCH THE YELLOW LINE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DONT BREAK SO HARD! BABY! OMG MOVE OVER! BABY THAT CAR IS UP YOUR ASS SPEED UP. SLOW DOWN"

Ahhhh a moments silence... 

"BABY OMG YOU ALMOST HIT THAT CAR! WERE GOING TO BE LATE! WE HAVE 45 MINUTES TO GET THERE! CAN YOU DRIVE FASTER AND NOT KILL US?! BABY! OMG! WERE GOING TO BE LATE! I CANNOT BE LATE! BABY BABY BABY"  

I was nowhere near that car dipshit go to fucking sleep or shut the fuck up! JESUS! 

Finally, we get to Ada. I could have kissed the first person I saw but that would be akward.  We pull up at the hospital and I am relieved to say the least. I expect him to fly out of the vehicle and off to his appointment. Instead I turn to see him glaring at me and watch him as he does one of those full body sighes.

"Now what are we gonna do?!"

Get out of the fucking car for starters... 

"Were thirty minutes early. I thought if we left home a bit early then we could relax and not worry so much about the time."

My fucking eye is twitching... I may kill this big son of a bitch and wheel him right into the morgue... 

I smile and nod and swallow back half of an energy drink.

"Aren't you glad we left early and got to have this incredibly relaxing drive together. Can I have a kiss?"

I can stab you... 

I lean over and give him a quick peck and climb out of the car to hit fresh air.  I stand outside for about twenty minutes contemplating killing him when he says the best thing he's said all day.

"Im gonna go on in and check in..."

Freedom.... 

"Will you go with me?"

Fuuuuuuuck.... 

If I speak at this point Ill scream so I simply nod and follow him into the building. On the way in I notice its crowded so I decide to exact my revenge on this easily embarrassed individual.   

"WOW! Honey I never noticed how fucking HOT your ass looks in those jeans!"

His head droops... I'm getting my revenge. WOOT!

"Mmm mmm mm! MAN! Can I get some fries with that shake?" Turn to woman waiting on admitting. "Can I get an amen sista?! OOO WEE! YOURE ON FIRE BABY!"

Ok now yal have been into a hospital. You know how every sound you make echoes to infinity. This cat calling was by no means a private affair. Oh noooooo quite a few people had taken notice and he was not amused.  I decided better not waste all your lives on one encounter so I let off and fell silent. 

We go into admitting they get him checked in and I point myself to the bathroom.  Inside I find some chatty nurses so I decided to make friends. We laughed together as we were exiting. Randal had waited in the hall. As Im coming out laughing with these women he speaks up.

"Who are they?"

"Friends I just made while I was in the bathroom.."

"You made... friends... in.. the bathroom...just .. now.."

"Yup!"

His lips push together I can see he's close to breaking. He turns on his heel and walks away.

Fuck.. no dice... ok plan B... 

We walk into Radiology together.  We saddle up to the counter and this cute girl at the counter speaks aloud.

"What are you here for Mr. Turman?"

He hands her the paper and says "Ultrasound.."

Then it hit me... Omfg! This is brilliant... 

I reach over and place my hand on his stomach and say lovingly ...

"Were having a baby... Im excited too.. " Then I lean forward, wiggle my nose and say, "Its our first"

The lab tech laughes outloud and squeeked when she did it too.  I look up proud as shit of myself and Randal has this look like I just flashed the room.

Bingo.... hehehe BOOYA BITCH.. wake me up again at 6 am to do shit you could have done...

The lady hands him a sheet and as we're leaving the counter the girl says, "Congratulations Mr Turman youll make an awesome mother!"

BWAHAHAHHAHAHA! Oooo .. remain smug and proud on outside.. dont get ahead of yourself youre not done yet..

We walk over and sit down in the chairs to wait.   Im still smiling. He is still glaring.

They come back to get him and he steps beyond with an xray tech while I watch Emeril.  A few minutes go by and he comes out of the room back into the waiting room. Im still smiling. 

This is gonna be gooooooood..... 

"How was it?"

"Akward...they made me pull my pants down a bit and lift my shirt...and there was some nasty gel..."

I stare at him straight faced as I can muster at this point and say... "So which is it? Boy or a girl?"

He walked off and left me laughing outloud at this point in a room full of snickering people.

I think today we learned a valuable lesson.. we dont fuck with Tinner in the morning.

Battle of the PreK

This morning I sat down at my computer to complete one of those stupid mommy daddy assignments Pre-k teachers send the parents.  Which, I believe they do.... just to fuck with us.

The teacher has got to be at home snickering to herself saying something along the lines of... "I cant believe I told them to cut up pieces of paper from every product known to man that begins with their childs first initial... and that Levi Morrison's mom.. whew.. is that bitch in for a surprise there arent even twelve products ON THE PLANET that start with L.."

I hope she chokes on a fucking apple..

There AREN'T twelve fucking items on this planet beginning with an L and I KNOW because I fucking LOOKED bitches... I fucking LOOKED.  Google, Ask, Yahoo, and one search engine that just laughed at me while flyin me the bird.. Oh yea.. I LOOKED.

Searched my house.. I came up with a penny.. WHY because FUCKING Lincoln starts with an L.  Yes I know its a Penny.. yes I know that is P.. YES i know its not a label from something I bought.. but IT STARTS WITH L... and it may be all that stands between my child and HARVARD.   If I don't find twelve items beginning with L he might have to settle for Johnston County Community College .. marry a drunken white trash whore who sleeps with the port a potty plumber and live in a trailer with Cooter 1, 2, and 3.

I cannot have a grandchild NAMED COOTER!!! (Breathing heavily into the little sack the woman at 7-11 pt my tall boy in this morning.......)

Anyway....

I fucking found them.. all twelve of the little bastards.... he may be the only kid with a cigarette brand on his sheet and two types of beer but by god damn hes GOT EM.....hehe.. actually we managed to find all twelve child friendly labels.. but DAMN IT.. it was HARD and took FOUR of us to find them

I win... teacher... YOU LOSE.. HA! My kids goin to Harvard and youre gonna stay in SUCK TOWN... cause YOU faced the dragon and pulled back a nubbin.. .yesssss maam you did!