Thursday, October 28, 2010

God I wish I had a wingman...

     There are times in your life when having someone with you to get your back would be AMAZING and helpful. Wing men aren't just for guys looking to pick up chicks.  Girls have them too. Most of the time we have them to run OFF men who seem creepy or stalkerish. Especially since some of us *cough* BRIANNA *cough* get drunk and try to be nice. 
     I would like to have had a companion on several instances in my life.  For one theres the story of the unguarded outhouse.  I went to the lake one weekend to fish and camp.  I was totally alone the first night and my friends were going to be there that morning.  So at about 10pm I got the unstoppable urge to poop.  So I walk down to the crude lake port a potties and realize none of them have locks on the doors. Some ever helpful person had thoughtfully removed them. 
    I step inside and after swatting a few hundred spiders with a newspaper I finally felt safe enough to declare dukliar war on krapistan. I pull the pants down, sit on the toilet and get ready to relieve myself.  As I am enjoying my evacuation plan I hear something move outside in the bushes. 

Fuck Im going to die taking a shit... theres a serial killer or pervert stalkin the damn port a potty and I cannot get off here. 

The wind catches the door and blows it open.

Haha oh..whew its just the wind.  I am so retarded... wait.. wait.. whats that ... HOLY SHIT ITS A SKUNK

About a foot out I can see this skunk. I inhale deeply and hold it.  JESUS dont let me make a sound or this is gonna be bad.  At that moment my body decided that what I really needed to do was fart.  I could feel the familiar rumble in my stomach as I clenched my ass cheeks together and prayed to GOD to rescue me. This would have been a great time to have a wing man who could have hurled rocks at the animal. 

OH.. fucking seriously?!! Now?! I have to fart.. NOW? You can do this.. dont breathe.. dont move.. dont even think about it... Go away mr skunk... go away.. shit its sniffin this way.. oh shit oh shit..

That fucking skunk turned and edged toward the port a potty and starts sniffin around.  He looks up at me with his tiny black eyes and just as hes about to back out my bowels gave way.


The sound that echoed out of that port a potty sounded like a demon had just spoken from my asshole.  That god damn skunk turned and sprayed me as he ran off into the night.  I was gagging... choking... and it was all I could do to get my god damn pants up. 

Well needless to say I wasnt going to get into my car smelling like that. So I call my friend who had a pickup and I said I need some tomato juice and a bathtub.  He snorts and says .. "Did ya get sprayed". 

Fuck yes Dennis I got sprayed you stupid son of a bitch... 

"Yea.. I got sprayed.."

"What were you doing?"

"I was designing a nuclear weapon for Russia Dennis... what the fuck do you think I was doing Im in the fucking woods.. SKUNKS are found in the woods Dennis..Just come get me so I can get this shit off of me.."

(click) Oh I was pissed. I could hear him laughing at me even now and it enraged me. 

What did he want me to say... I was NEVER going to tell HIM what happened. I would NEVER live it down.. OH HELL NO.. Dennis would NEVER know ... EVER.. FUCKING EVER...

So in conclusion ... there are just times when a wingman would have been useful in my life.  Someone to throw rocks at the skunk and then I never would have thrown up about five times in the woods that night waiting on Dennis to get off his fat ass and come get me.  I think he took his sweet fucking time on purpose. I rode back in the truck all the way to his mommas house who knew just what to do.  She never asked me how it happened. She just knew I didnt want to talk about it.. I just wanted the smell gone.

1 comment:


    Sorry babes but that was just too funny.