I think every one of us out there have had moments with their family that caused you to shudder later on when you recalled them. I know I have... GOD KNOWS I HAVE! In fact I have had more than one instance of my family being born without the natural filter instilled in a majority of normal people. You know the one, the filter that fits in that spot between your brain and your mouth.
I have thought countless times about buying face diapers for members of my family because they just randomly developed wicked cases of verbal diarrhea. They cant even seem to stop themselves.. their lips open.. and SHIT just FALLS the fuck out. It always seems to fall out when I am sitting there too... leaving me in a state of shock which has given me a wicked permanent case of the shakes. I look like one of those mexican hairless chihuahuas.. I just shake all the time. I KNOW thats why I cant get a job because they think I have a case of the D.T.s just to pass the piss test to work.
I really cant pin it on just one family member either. Every single mother fucker in my gene pool has at some point or another pissed in the proverbial fucking water with their stories or information. We've all at some point over shared with someone... well try multiplying your worst over share ever times a BILLION and you have my family.
In fact this is a real conversation that happened at THANKSGIVING.
Imagine four cousins around a table having a nice conversation about work.
Cousin 1: "And thats pretty much what I do at work"
Cousin 2: "That is so INTERESTING!"
Enter my grandma who sits in the middle of us and says loudly.
Gma: "Did yal know that vasoline will eat THROUGH a condom?!"
Holy shit Im deaf.. Im fucking deaf... This cannot be happening.. cmon Jesus fucking come through for me for once and STRIKE ME DEAF...
I wiggled my nose like Bewitched.. I prayed to FIVE different Gods all at once.. I even feigned cerebal palsy.. I started shaking and jerking... she NEVER fucking stopped.
Gma: "Neither did I! Who knew?! Seven kids later I think we got it figured out!"
OH my fucking GOD... I am not deaf at all.. Jesus WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?!
With that my grandma got up and left the table. Leaving all of us with the clear understanding that NOT ONLY did her and my grandpa screw.. but they did so with the intention of never having children and instead ended up with SEVEN of them... Also I was in a full epileptic episode by this point anyway so my level of understanding had been reverted to that of a three year old.... THANKFULLY...
Another good example is when I was bout 22 my mom developed this need to try to disturb or shock me into ever EVER EVER understanding that she was a sexual being. I actually developed long lasting black out episodes after this period in my life. Below is an actual conversation I had with my mother.. well what i recall of it...
I am getting a glass of water in my mom's kitchen when she reaches into the fridge and somehow Im not sure how.. I blame the black outs... My mom finds the need to say the words 'blow job' to me... My brain had a fucking WRECK in my skull... smoke.. glass.. blood.. and I think I heard a siren... it could have been a circuit frying... im not sure.. there was an odd smell and a metallic taste in my mouth for a week afterward...
Mom: "blah blah.. blowjob.."
This is not happening to me... smile..act normal... dont let her get to you...
Me: "WOAH MOM! JESUS CHRIST! I dont want to hear that shit..."
Mom: "Whats the matter you think your mom never gave a blowjob in her lifetime?"
Omg Im blacking out.. man DOWN.. MAN DOWN.. SOS.. S.. O.. FUCKING ... S!!!!
I dont recall much past this point.. I thank all that is holy that I dont remember the rest of the conversation.. but Im sure my dad was in there somewhere... *shudders* I think I just threw up in my mouth...
I once walked in on a conversation between my two uncles that I wish I could erase. In fact.. I am certain I will never get at least thirty minutes of my life back.. and that was POST conversation.. my brain was kind enough to allow me to hear the first two minutes of it...
Uncle 1: "Yea.. dont get me wrong Ive been with a few women in my lifetime... Im not lyin..."
Uncle 2: "Yea Ive burried my bone in more than one mound.. if you get my meaning..."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO NO NO NO NO!!! Why did I EVEN come OUT here!?!?! Am I STUPID!?!
Thats the point where I blacked out I think.. or maybe I went into auto pilot... I dont know..
Anyway.. like I said.. everyone has been traumatized by something a family member has said. Its only natural. Theyre people and they are gonna say some stupid shit in your lifetime. In my family the older generation stands around at wakes and tell these stories. So not only have I heard their stupid shit.. Ive heard the stupid shit their elders said...
No wonder I need therapy...
:D
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