Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Books you probably shouldn't buy your children: A continuance

The other day it occurred to me that there were more books that needed to be included in my list of books a parent probably shouldn't buy for their children.  I will not be making that list. Instead I have lured you the concerned parent in as a way of simply showing you some books which I felt needed to be honored for their originality and fringe status.

First book was a personal favorite of mine. Why? Because many a night as a parent I have muttered these words to myself as I read through that ever favored bed time book ritual...

The next book I am about to list got a chuckle out of me purely by the name alone. Then I clicked on a page preview and got yet another chuckle. The photos will speak for themselves. 

Parents.. seriously stop buying your child's friends if youre just going to kill them.... youre causing trauma.

What are you going to do about it now?! THEYRE ALL FUCKING DEAD!!! hehe 

The second book got a laugh out of me mostly because this is a book I want to buy and gift to a majority of the children in my life. Why?! Because parents dont discipline their children and I have to hear them bitch and whine all the time. My child doesnt do this.. because I taught him at an early age that you cant get what you want by whining for it. Some children either dont get this concept or their parents just kinda forgot to teach it to them. Either way.. I feel compelled to educate them. 

 I know I would have whined a hella lot less as a child if someone had told me that it would land my fat ass cooked into a 45lb burger.. 

Two whiney ass patties on a bun.. special sauce special sauce... 

The next book was a gem of literary excellence. I know when I was a child and my mother was going through menopause this book would have led me to many a sleepless night locked in a closet protecting my cranium from being split open and eaten from like the monkey heads on an Indiana Jones movie. 

The next book is for you trailer trash types with five children and no way to utilize their wasted talents.. 

Why just have children playing around in your home if you cant put them to good use?! 

For those of you who feel angered by the cuteness of certain animals on this planet.. I present you with the next book. 

I for one have always felt penguins were pretentious little assholes for wearing suits and making everyone else feel so under dressed. 

The next book I found to be surprisingly informative... 
Feels like it may be a response to Go the Fuck to Sleep.. its not however.. its sooo much more. It opens with an amusing limerick which I will share with you now.. 

The was a young man of Calcutta
Who had a terrible sttttt-tutter
He is reported to have said 
Please pass me some bbbbbb-bread
And also some bbbbbb-butter!

This book I feel was the perfect book for your emo child. Dont let anyone ever say there isnt something for everyone on Amazon. 

The next book surprises me for one reason: I am surprised my mother didnt write it first. She was an expert at it.. call her a professional guilt tripper if you will.  I cant tell you how many times in my life Ive heard the words..    

"Im sure you have lots of friends whod rather be my child" 

I remember clearly thinkin   "THANK GOD!! I thought I was going to have to be the only one at bat here" 

When I had my first child my mother gave me the original version of this book "Pat the Bunny" it was flimsy and stupid and not at all something my child would remotely give a rat's ass about. I intend on giving them this book instead when they have a child. 

A very hands on approach to zombieism.. I approve.. 

They tried to market this one as a timeless love story.. a true classic for the likes of Byron and Shelley... 

To quote the first line of this timeless classic.... 
 "Nothing can stop Love. Wait... Not love... Zombies.. Nothing can stop zombies." 

This is the final bit of hilarity which I felt would be a marvelous place to end this blog. I will end it how the end of every good day Ive ever had has ended. It has ended with me cussing the rising dawn... 

Nuff said... weve all been there...


  1. loving the hell out of this!!!!

  2. feel free to check out some of my older ones

  3. OMFG this is hilarious! And you wonder why I adore you.

    You ought to add my book, Graveyard Katie and Her Pals. People think it's a little too creepy for kids...bwahahahahaha!