Randal is having a baby... hehe

OK.. don't freak out I'm not giving birth to a child. This is merely my account of events which took place this morning during which I exploited a man too tired to really fight back for once.  I am totally aware that I am an asshole.  I don't need you to tell me that I am an asshole.  However, if you would like to express your admiration or distaste of me feel free to do so in the below section entitled COMMENTS. 

This morning began like any other. I was sleeping safe and sound when the ungodly drone of my fucking alarm clock began creeping its way into my ear holes. Then a sound altogether new pierced the air sealing the source's fate for the day. 

"BABY.... BABY... BABY.. BABY... BABY.. GET UP.. GET UP... BABY GET UP... BABY YOUR ALARM IS GOING OFF... I HATE IT ... SHUT IT OFF.. BABY BABY BABY..."

I lay there thinking to myself, Awesome jackass then walk past me and hit the off button. Do I say this? NO of course not. I try to be civil even though my saliva was building in my mouth at the mere thought of a pillow careening into him knocking him to the ground. 

"RANDAL JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HEAR YOU... IM UP..."  OK, So I wasn't civil at all. I was however as diplomatic as six in the morning affords me the patience to be. 

"BABY....... stay sweet."

 I will fuck you up fattie... 

I roll over and rub my eyes. I thought six in the morning was a myth before my child was in school.  Hell as long as he's been alive Levi has never gotten up in my house before eight or so.  I sit up and stretch.

"BABY ARE YOU AWAKE?! I WOKE LEVI UP AND HE NEEDS TO BE DRESSED!"

Are your arms broken.. just dress the boy.. jesus fucking christ dipshit... 

"OK ... can you possibly stop talking to me like youre announcing a rodeo and your megaphone has been broken?"

"BABY... stay sweet"

Ok motherfucker when I stand up and my vision returns to normal I am going to fuck you up... 

I stand up and amble into the bathroom turn around to sit down and the door is open. A sleepy small face is staring into mine from the crack in the door.

"Mom... what are you doin.."

Im building a privacy screen to shield me from your gaze... 

"Poopin.."

He contemplates this a moment and simply replies, "Oh.. need help?"

"Not in at least the last twenty-five years son...no..."

With this he simply walks away leaving the door to swing wide open.  In his place come sauntering in our two dogs, tails wagging trying to sniff everything in sight.. including me.

"WOAH! Cold NOSE! OUT OUT OUT!! All of you OUT!"

My head pops up and Randal is standing in the doorway looking at me.

"Whats up baby?" 

I dont know thought Id take a crap in private didnt realize that would be something that would require a permit! 

"Not a thing... can you shut the door please?"

OK so now you get the picture of how my morning started. I got the kiddo off to school and drove home against the blaring light of a hell fire sun.  I'm pretty sure my angels were screaming "WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS BITCH LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!?" I have issues with my eyes for christ sake.  I cant see in direct sun very well without assistance... I drive fine.. for Oklahoma.

Then Randal and I head to Ada to get an Ultrasound of his stomach so they can determine if his gallbladder has shit the brick or not.  The whole car ride with a man who decided not sleeping was a great idea made me want to KILL HIM.

"BABY! OMG! WATCH THE YELLOW LINE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DONT BREAK SO HARD! BABY! OMG MOVE OVER! BABY THAT CAR IS UP YOUR ASS SPEED UP. SLOW DOWN"

Ahhhh a moments silence... 

"BABY OMG YOU ALMOST HIT THAT CAR! WERE GOING TO BE LATE! WE HAVE 45 MINUTES TO GET THERE! CAN YOU DRIVE FASTER AND NOT KILL US?! BABY! OMG! WERE GOING TO BE LATE! I CANNOT BE LATE! BABY BABY BABY"  

I was nowhere near that car dipshit go to fucking sleep or shut the fuck up! JESUS! 

Finally, we get to Ada. I could have kissed the first person I saw but that would be akward.  We pull up at the hospital and I am relieved to say the least. I expect him to fly out of the vehicle and off to his appointment. Instead I turn to see him glaring at me and watch him as he does one of those full body sighes.

"Now what are we gonna do?!"

Get out of the fucking car for starters... 

"Were thirty minutes early. I thought if we left home a bit early then we could relax and not worry so much about the time."

My fucking eye is twitching... I may kill this big son of a bitch and wheel him right into the morgue... 

I smile and nod and swallow back half of an energy drink.

"Aren't you glad we left early and got to have this incredibly relaxing drive together. Can I have a kiss?"

I can stab you... 

I lean over and give him a quick peck and climb out of the car to hit fresh air.  I stand outside for about twenty minutes contemplating killing him when he says the best thing he's said all day.

"Im gonna go on in and check in..."

Freedom.... 

"Will you go with me?"

Fuuuuuuuck.... 

If I speak at this point Ill scream so I simply nod and follow him into the building. On the way in I notice its crowded so I decide to exact my revenge on this easily embarrassed individual.   

"WOW! Honey I never noticed how fucking HOT your ass looks in those jeans!"

His head droops... I'm getting my revenge. WOOT!

"Mmm mmm mm! MAN! Can I get some fries with that shake?" Turn to woman waiting on admitting. "Can I get an amen sista?! OOO WEE! YOURE ON FIRE BABY!"

Ok now yal have been into a hospital. You know how every sound you make echoes to infinity. This cat calling was by no means a private affair. Oh noooooo quite a few people had taken notice and he was not amused.  I decided better not waste all your lives on one encounter so I let off and fell silent. 

We go into admitting they get him checked in and I point myself to the bathroom.  Inside I find some chatty nurses so I decided to make friends. We laughed together as we were exiting. Randal had waited in the hall. As Im coming out laughing with these women he speaks up.

"Who are they?"

"Friends I just made while I was in the bathroom.."

"You made... friends... in.. the bathroom...just .. now.."

"Yup!"

His lips push together I can see he's close to breaking. He turns on his heel and walks away.

Fuck.. no dice... ok plan B... 

We walk into Radiology together.  We saddle up to the counter and this cute girl at the counter speaks aloud.

"What are you here for Mr. Turman?"

He hands her the paper and says "Ultrasound.."

Then it hit me... Omfg! This is brilliant... 

I reach over and place my hand on his stomach and say lovingly ...

"Were having a baby... Im excited too.. " Then I lean forward, wiggle my nose and say, "Its our first"

The lab tech laughes outloud and squeeked when she did it too.  I look up proud as shit of myself and Randal has this look like I just flashed the room.

Bingo.... hehehe BOOYA BITCH.. wake me up again at 6 am to do shit you could have done...

The lady hands him a sheet and as we're leaving the counter the girl says, "Congratulations Mr Turman youll make an awesome mother!"

BWAHAHAHHAHAHA! Oooo .. remain smug and proud on outside.. dont get ahead of yourself youre not done yet..

We walk over and sit down in the chairs to wait.   Im still smiling. He is still glaring.

They come back to get him and he steps beyond with an xray tech while I watch Emeril.  A few minutes go by and he comes out of the room back into the waiting room. Im still smiling. 

This is gonna be gooooooood..... 

"How was it?"

"Akward...they made me pull my pants down a bit and lift my shirt...and there was some nasty gel..."

I stare at him straight faced as I can muster at this point and say... "So which is it? Boy or a girl?"

He walked off and left me laughing outloud at this point in a room full of snickering people.

I think today we learned a valuable lesson.. we dont fuck with Tinner in the morning.