10 tips for handling a UFO sighting

According to MUFON, the Mutual UFO Network, if you have a close encounter with an unidentified flying object, there are ten things that you should do to make the most of the experience. 

1. REMAIN CALM, but protect yourself from any hazards real or perceived.

2. Be objective. Not every UFO is extraterrestrial.

3. Use a camcorder or camera to record the event.

4. If you have a tape recorder, record your description of the event as it happens.

5. If other witnesses are present ask them to also write or record their observations.

6. If the UFO left some trace of its presence behind do not disturb the area around it.

7. If the sighting is from a distance, at an arms length, what would it take to cover up the object? A Quarter? A Penny?

8. Try to judge the distance from you to the object, the objects altitude, and its speed.

9. Should you encounter some type extraterrestrial being associated with the craft be prepared to take evasive action to protect yourself.

10. Immediately report the event to a UFO research organization.

Here is the list that I have compiled 

1. Try not to shit on yourself. You'll need to stand in front of the camera later and you don't want your overalls or moo moo to be stained. 

2. Remember if you're still here its not that you weren't attractive enough to be probed. 

3. Use a camera to record the incident and try not to let your brother do it he's been drinkin' since noon and 5 minutes of your cousin Lisa's cleavage with screams about "extryterrestrals" in the background doesn't make the news (in america) 

4. If all you got is a karaoke machine your cousin brought to the party last Christmas put a cassette in it and commentate the entire experience between gulps of beer. 

5. If yer kin are around when it happens make sure they all write the events down .. if they can't write then use your junior college degree to write it for them as they tell it to you. 

6. If the ufo left anything behind try not to put it into your mouth and definitely don't take it back and put it on your mantel next to uncle Red's trophy buck. 

7. if its in the distance try to see what would cover it up at an arms distance.. like a beer can.. a coozie.. or a def leopard 8 track... 

8. Try to guage if the ufo was faster than or slower than that 12 point buck you almost shot from the passenger window of yer aunt's jacked up Blazer as it ran from the highway last year. 

9. If you encounter an extryterrestral beein from the ship make sure you remember your kay-rah-tey. If you have yer 30-30 shoot at it. 

10. call every news station and radio station in the country.. and dont forget to call yer family.. Wear yer huntin gear when yer on the air.. itll look more professional ta the military people. 

Remember .. ufo's are no laughing matter.. take every encounter seriously. 

Books you probably shouldn't buy your children: A continuance

The other day it occurred to me that there were more books that needed to be included in my list of books a parent probably shouldn't buy for their children.  I will not be making that list. Instead I have lured you the concerned parent in as a way of simply showing you some books which I felt needed to be honored for their originality and fringe status.

First book was a personal favorite of mine. Why? Because many a night as a parent I have muttered these words to myself as I read through that ever favored bed time book ritual...

The next book I am about to list got a chuckle out of me purely by the name alone. Then I clicked on a page preview and got yet another chuckle. The photos will speak for themselves. 

Parents.. seriously stop buying your child's friends if youre just going to kill them.... youre causing trauma.

What are you going to do about it now?! THEYRE ALL FUCKING DEAD!!! hehe 

The second book got a laugh out of me mostly because this is a book I want to buy and gift to a majority of the children in my life. Why?! Because parents dont discipline their children and I have to hear them bitch and whine all the time. My child doesnt do this.. because I taught him at an early age that you cant get what you want by whining for it. Some children either dont get this concept or their parents just kinda forgot to teach it to them. Either way.. I feel compelled to educate them. 

 I know I would have whined a hella lot less as a child if someone had told me that it would land my fat ass cooked into a 45lb burger.. 

Two whiney ass patties on a bun.. special sauce special sauce... 

The next book was a gem of literary excellence. I know when I was a child and my mother was going through menopause this book would have led me to many a sleepless night locked in a closet protecting my cranium from being split open and eaten from like the monkey heads on an Indiana Jones movie. 

The next book is for you trailer trash types with five children and no way to utilize their wasted talents.. 

Why just have children playing around in your home if you cant put them to good use?! 

For those of you who feel angered by the cuteness of certain animals on this planet.. I present you with the next book. 

I for one have always felt penguins were pretentious little assholes for wearing suits and making everyone else feel so under dressed. 

The next book I found to be surprisingly informative... 

Feels like it may be a response to Go the Fuck to Sleep.. its not however.. its sooo much more. It opens with an amusing limerick which I will share with you now.. 

The was a young man of Calcutta

Who had a terrible sttttt-tutter

He is reported to have said 

Please pass me some bbbbbb-bread

And also some bbbbbb-butter!

This book I feel was the perfect book for your emo child. Dont let anyone ever say there isnt something for everyone on Amazon. 

The next book surprises me for one reason: I am surprised my mother didnt write it first. She was an expert at it.. call her a professional guilt tripper if you will.  I cant tell you how many times in my life Ive heard the words..    

"Im sure you have lots of friends whod rather be my child" 

I remember clearly thinkin   "THANK GOD!! I thought I was going to have to be the only one at bat here" 

When I had my first child my mother gave me the original version of this book "Pat the Bunny" it was flimsy and stupid and not at all something my child would remotely give a rat's ass about. I intend on giving them this book instead when they have a child. 

A very hands on approach to zombieism.. I approve.. 

They tried to market this one as a timeless love story.. a true classic for the likes of Byron and Shelley... 

To quote the first line of this timeless classic.... 

 "Nothing can stop Love. Wait... Not love... Zombies.. Nothing can stop zombies." 

This is the final bit of hilarity which I felt would be a marvelous place to end this blog. I will end it how the end of every good day Ive ever had has ended. It has ended with me cussing the rising dawn... 

Nuff said... weve all been there...

OMG SHUT UP ALREADY!

 

What is it to be well known? It means five a.m. Skype calls and random messages on facebook. It means never having a moment that EVERYONE in God's creation doesnt know about. It means people "KNOW" you. People "Love" you. It means stalkers. Cyber stalkers and real life watching you pee stalkers.
I have had a few of these on facebook the conversation goes as follows.

OMG I LOVE YOU! You are AWESOME!

Thank you so much! :D

Can I have a lock of your hair?

WTF?

Or we could chat here .. whatever's cool with you...

...

When did it become ok to start asking complete strangers EVERYTHING about thier daily life? I KNOW its not OK with me! I had a guy the other night tell me he wanted me to change my hair color back to BLACK! I had another one tell me he was disappointed in my photo that I had put on facebook because he hated to see me not smiling and I had such a beautiful smile. I was like OK well if im not smiling WHERE HAS THIS STRANGER SEEN ME SMILE!?!

I will say something on the radio. I get comments ranging from OMG to HAHA to YOURE AN ASSHOLE to YOU HAVE NO CLASS THAT'S NOT FUNNY. I even got called Racist one day for saying that I couldn't speak French. I was like "well im sorry I had no idea that not hating the french meant speaking their language! No wonder they seem so snobby! THEY THINK NO ONE LIKES THEM!" I wanted to tell her Listen your language sounds sexy but its hard for me to pronounce because of all the years I spent drinking American Beer and smoking American cigarettes... But I DIDNT!

ALL the time I get lumped in with the "Para Celebrity" bunch. First of all Im not a celebrity. IM well known. IM NOT EVEN THAT WELL KNOWN PEOPLE. In fact the only thing I have in common with most of these people is Facebook and research. Yes, I'm on the radio. YES, I know well connected people. YES, I am gifted. However, with all of this para-drama going on lately I dont want to be lumped in with the other "Para Celebs" and their retarded delusions of grandeur.

Now dont get me wrong there are some AWESOME and BADASS people out there I would consider of celebrity status. However Drama isnt what got them there .. their integrity is what got them that recognition. They are unshakable in their craft and they are knowledgeable, and they are LOYAL!

I get a lot of people on my facebook who think that i am this sweet charming little southern girl from Oklahoma. Here's the thing. IM AN ASSHOLE. Im not sweet. I make fun of people for a living. Im a GOD DAMNED COMEDIAN! No, I dont give a SHIT if what I say on a radio show offends you. Don't listen. I dont give a shit if my status offends you... UNADD ME! If its funny and it pays me Im gonna do it.

I am however fiercely loyal to my friends and family. NOT MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS who are no closer to me than the click of the button that put them there. I love and ADORE my family. I love and adore so many people it would be hard to list them for fear of forgetting someone. Listen up! They matter. You are a fan...

I liked when facebook had that distinction. When you could FAN someone instead of LIKE them. I can guarantee you will never hear me say OOOOOooo BOB.. Finklestein from Oregon LIKES ME MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!! I go.. oh.. well i guess you can stay. I click allow and I NEVER LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE AGAIN UNLESS YOU COMMENT ON MY PAGE!

I get tired of the messages from the unsolicited psychics out there bringing doom to my doorstep as a means of soliciting readings. I dont mind when someone with a REAL gift comes to me and says HEY look I got a message for you and you need to hear it. I have a problem when I open my mail and the headline reads as follows.


OMG I SAW YOU DIE IN A VISION. COME TO MY SITE AND ILL TELL YOU MORE.

I can guarantee if i click on that link its either a virus or a paypal link. Heres the thing. I AM A PSYCHIC WHY WOULD I PAY YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW?!
I can see how taking payment for services is viable. Im not going to belittle your idea of the value of your time. All I ASK is that you WAIT UNTIL I COME TO YOU BEFORE YOU TRY TO SELL ME SHIT AND TELL ME ITS GOLD.

I have all the bullshit I can handle people. Im not a fertilizer salesman, Im not a farmer, and i dont have a garden. Which means THAT I HAVE ALL OF THE SHIT I CAN HANDLE RIGHT NOW AND I DONT NEED YOURS.

Now dont get me wrong I am greatful for my fans. But be fans for christ's sake DONT TRY TO MOVE IN WITH ME AND SLEEP ON THE FOOT OF MY BED. I HAVE A LAP DOG THANK YOU MUCH. DONT PROFESS YOUR LOVE TO ME ON FACEBOOK. I COULD PRETTY MUCH GIVE A DAMN IF YOU FEEL LIKE IM YOUR SOULMATE. I HAVE MATED. MOVE ON.

Please feel free to read my wall.. view my comments... watch videos of me.. whatever.. I LOVE my fans I DO. BUT I DONT LOVE THEM LIKE A PIRATE LOVES HOOKERS. THERE ARE LIMITS. I will not LOVE your pocketbook.

I understand its lonely in bat shit crazy land but seriously.... Save me the crazy talk.. I am crazy enough for one of us.

God I wish I had a wingman...

     There are times in your life when having someone with you to get your back would be AMAZING and helpful. Wing men aren't just for guys looking to pick up chicks.  Girls have them too. Most of the time we have them to run OFF men who seem creepy or stalkerish. Especially since some of us *cough* BRIANNA *cough* get drunk and try to be nice. 
     I would like to have had a companion on several instances in my life.  For one theres the story of the unguarded outhouse.  I went to the lake one weekend to fish and camp.  I was totally alone the first night and my friends were going to be there that morning.  So at about 10pm I got the unstoppable urge to poop.  So I walk down to the crude lake port a potties and realize none of them have locks on the doors. Some ever helpful person had thoughtfully removed them. 
    I step inside and after swatting a few hundred spiders with a newspaper I finally felt safe enough to declare dukliar war on krapistan. I pull the pants down, sit on the toilet and get ready to relieve myself.  As I am enjoying my evacuation plan I hear something move outside in the bushes. 

Fuck Im going to die taking a shit... theres a serial killer or pervert stalkin the damn port a potty and I cannot get off here. 

The wind catches the door and blows it open.

Haha oh..whew its just the wind.  I am so retarded... wait.. wait.. whats that ... HOLY SHIT ITS A SKUNK

About a foot out I can see this skunk. I inhale deeply and hold it.  JESUS dont let me make a sound or this is gonna be bad.  At that moment my body decided that what I really needed to do was fart.  I could feel the familiar rumble in my stomach as I clenched my ass cheeks together and prayed to GOD to rescue me. This would have been a great time to have a wing man who could have hurled rocks at the animal. 

OH.. fucking seriously?!! Now?! I have to fart.. NOW? You can do this.. dont breathe.. dont move.. dont even think about it... Go away mr skunk... go away.. shit its sniffin this way.. oh shit oh shit..

That fucking skunk turned and edged toward the port a potty and starts sniffin around.  He looks up at me with his tiny black eyes and just as hes about to back out my bowels gave way.

FRAPP BUMP BUMP THURPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

The sound that echoed out of that port a potty sounded like a demon had just spoken from my asshole.  That god damn skunk turned and sprayed me as he ran off into the night.  I was gagging... choking... and it was all I could do to get my god damn pants up. 

Well needless to say I wasnt going to get into my car smelling like that. So I call my friend who had a pickup and I said I need some tomato juice and a bathtub.  He snorts and says .. "Did ya get sprayed". 

Fuck yes Dennis I got sprayed you stupid son of a bitch... 

"Yea.. I got sprayed.."

"What were you doing?"

"I was designing a nuclear weapon for Russia Dennis... what the fuck do you think I was doing Im in the fucking woods.. SKUNKS are found in the woods Dennis..Just come get me so I can get this shit off of me.."

(click) Oh I was pissed. I could hear him laughing at me even now and it enraged me. 

What did he want me to say... I was NEVER going to tell HIM what happened. I would NEVER live it down.. OH HELL NO.. Dennis would NEVER know ... EVER.. FUCKING EVER...

So in conclusion ... there are just times when a wingman would have been useful in my life.  Someone to throw rocks at the skunk and then I never would have thrown up about five times in the woods that night waiting on Dennis to get off his fat ass and come get me.  I think he took his sweet fucking time on purpose. I rode back in the truck all the way to his mommas house who knew just what to do.  She never asked me how it happened. She just knew I didnt want to talk about it.. I just wanted the smell gone.

Family is costing me $75 an hour but I get prozac out of the deal...

        I think every one of us out there have had moments with their family that caused you to shudder later on when you recalled them. I know I have... GOD KNOWS I HAVE!  In fact I have had more than one instance of my family being born without the natural filter instilled in a majority of normal people.  You know the one, the filter that fits in that spot between your brain and your mouth. 
     I have thought countless times about buying face diapers for members of my family because they just randomly developed wicked cases of verbal diarrhea.  They cant even seem to stop themselves.. their lips open.. and SHIT just FALLS the fuck out.  It always seems to fall out when I am sitting there too... leaving me in a state of shock which has given me a wicked permanent case of the shakes. I look like one of those mexican hairless chihuahuas.. I just shake all the time.  I KNOW thats why I cant get a job because they think I have a case of the D.T.s just to pass the piss test to work. 
     I really cant pin it on just one family member either. Every single mother fucker in my gene pool has at some point or another pissed in the proverbial fucking water with their stories or information. We've all at some point over shared with someone... well try multiplying your worst over share ever times a BILLION and you have my family. 
     In fact this is a real conversation that happened at THANKSGIVING.

Imagine four cousins around a table having a nice conversation about work.

Cousin 1: "And thats pretty much what I do at work"
Cousin 2: "That is so INTERESTING!"

Enter my grandma who sits in the middle of us and says loudly.

Gma: "Did yal know that vasoline will eat THROUGH a condom?!"

Holy shit Im deaf.. Im fucking deaf... This cannot be happening.. cmon Jesus fucking come through for me for once and STRIKE ME DEAF... 

I wiggled my nose like Bewitched.. I prayed to FIVE different Gods all at once.. I even feigned cerebal palsy.. I started shaking and jerking... she NEVER fucking stopped.

Gma: "Neither did I! Who knew?! Seven kids later I think we got it figured out!"

OH my fucking GOD... I am not deaf at all.. Jesus WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?! 

With that my grandma got up and left the table.  Leaving all of us with the clear understanding that NOT ONLY did her and my grandpa screw.. but they did so with the intention of never having children and instead ended up with SEVEN of them... Also I was in a full epileptic episode by this point anyway so my level of understanding had been reverted to that of a three year old.... THANKFULLY...

Another good example is when I was bout 22 my mom developed this need to try to disturb or shock me into ever EVER EVER understanding that she was a sexual being.  I actually developed long lasting black out episodes after this period in my life.  Below is an actual conversation I had with my mother.. well what i recall of it...

I am getting a glass of water in my mom's kitchen when she reaches into the fridge and somehow Im not sure how.. I blame the black outs... My mom finds the need to say the words 'blow job' to me... My brain had a fucking WRECK in my skull... smoke.. glass.. blood.. and I think I heard a siren... it could have been a circuit frying... im not sure.. there was an odd smell and a metallic taste in my mouth for a week afterward...

Mom: "blah blah.. blowjob.."

This is not happening to me... smile..act normal... dont let her get to you... 

Me: "WOAH MOM! JESUS CHRIST! I dont want to hear that shit..."

Mom: "Whats the matter you think your mom never gave a blowjob in her lifetime?"

Omg Im blacking out.. man DOWN.. MAN DOWN.. SOS.. S.. O.. FUCKING ... S!!!!

I dont recall much past this point.. I thank all that is holy that I dont remember the rest of the conversation.. but Im sure my dad was in there somewhere... *shudders* I think I just threw up in my mouth...

I once walked in on a conversation between my two uncles that I wish I could erase.  In fact.. I am certain I will never get at least thirty minutes of my life back.. and that was POST conversation.. my brain was kind enough to allow me to hear the first two minutes of it...

Uncle 1: "Yea.. dont get me wrong Ive been with a few women in my lifetime... Im not lyin..."

Uncle 2: "Yea Ive burried my bone in more than one mound.. if you get my meaning..."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO NO NO NO NO!!! Why did I EVEN come OUT here!?!?! Am I STUPID!?! 

Thats the point where I blacked out I think.. or maybe I went into auto pilot... I dont know..

Anyway.. like I said.. everyone has been traumatized by something a family member has said. Its only natural.  Theyre people and they are gonna say some stupid shit in your lifetime.  In my family the older generation stands around at wakes and tell these stories. So not only have I heard their stupid shit.. Ive heard the stupid shit their elders said...

No wonder I need therapy...

Walmart .. have we bit off more than we can chew?

     Every single time I am in Wal-mart I see something that makes me flinch.  Today I found an article that made me flinch.  It is from March 3, 2009. WHERE THE FUCK WAS I?! I would have been all over this shit.

Found at Walmart: 10 human teeth

Associated Press

March 3, 2009, 11:07PM

FALMOUTH, Mass. — A customer shopping at a Walmart in Falmouth told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase.
Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling.
The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.
Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.
A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an "isolated incident," but will investigate.



 They will INVESTIGATE! Heres a clue .. you let the fucking killer walk out the door.  SO here's a thought... wanna off someone? Put the only evidence the LYE didnt eat into a wallet at walmart.. act concerned and walk out the FUCKING DOOR without giving your FUCKING NAME.

Now I'm not a member of law enforcement but I clearly remember from class the person who finds it is prime suspect due to proximity.  Next week they'll have someone walk up and hand them a femur out of frozen foods from under a bag of tater tots.. holy saints fuck people!

Are they doing dentistry at Walmart now? No...

GO BACK TO THE FUCKING FOOTAGE ... the sick FUCK putting the teeth in the god damn wallet will be ON CAMERA!  

Could you see getting that shit home?

"Uh.. honey..."
"Yes dear?"
"This wallet is defective.."
"Oh yea, is it missing the photo holder?"
"No, there's an entire mouth full of fucking teeth in here.."
"Just take it back on Monday dear, they'll take anything back.."

OH MY FUUUUUUCKING GOOOOOD!!!

I know if I found a mouth full of teeth in MY WALLET.. Id be pissed.  I'd be at customer service like that lady at McDonald's that found a fucking finger in a bag of fries.  Id be on the phone with my lawyer and threatening to SUE the fucking ASS off of Walmart. And with my spare bit of attention span I would be chosing non dental infested furnishings to fill my new MILLION FUCKING dollar home. 

This would be the conversation...

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MANAGER!?!"
"I am the manager maam what can I do for you?"
"THERES A MOUTH FULL .. FUCKING FULL TO THE LEATHER FUCKING BRIM FULL.. of teeth inside this wallet..."
"What? May I see it?"
"Yea but don't take off with it.. Mommy needs a new set of egyptian cotton sheets and I'll need you to go ahead and change the name of this store to 'Tinner's mother fucking WalMart'.. Thank you.." Then into the phone on one shoulder, "Tell him Im in Walmart and I just found part of a body in my wallet...Oh he'll stop golfing for this.. Yes maam.. Yes... Ill hold"
I would smile sweetly and wriggle my little freckled nose at the manager and mouth "YOURE SO FUCKED" at him ..


Anyway, enough of the rant. I want to hear what yal think so please by all means, comment on my facebook or here in the blog under comments.

Mommy tries to find a book she doesnt hate...

   Today it was brought to my attention that I had not bought Levi any books lately.  Wanting to have a child who had read the same book so many times he quoted it like the rainman just wasn't on my bucket list if ya know what I mean. So, I hit amazon in search of quality reading material for my son.  What I ran across on Amazon was far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.  It was comedy gold.  All I shall say is this, buy your child a book but use your god damn brain.  The titles I am about to show you are REAL books.. and my real immediate thoughts on these books.

Ahhh ... a fine lesson in economics.. especially considering you go to Amazon and look this bad boy up and it shows "The House That Crack Built" has a swimming pool. Now I know my four year old is going to walk up to me later and say "MOMMY! Why dont you sell crack these people have a swimming pool?!" 

Holy fucking shit amazon.. yal will let anyone sell their fucking book wont you ...

Ok.. this title depressed me. The concept that anyone would get their child a book to cope with having a drunk father instead of removing the drunk father from their lives was infuriating.  Then the comedian in me clicked to read some of the book and died a little inside. I will quote from the book. 
"For Christmas, Daddy made me a sled.  He brought it to my room on Christmas Eve.  I knew it was only Daddy in a Santa Claus suit because he bumped into my bed twice and spilled beer on the rug." 
I'm never buying this book for my child... besides I may die inside if I read it.

Ok.. they really could have named this one better....

I'll admit I laughed outloud but then I promptly shook my finger at the publisher and decided this was not the book for my son.

 This book is going to give me nightmares...  the real groner was that they tried a play on words for the title.  The artistry alone makes me believe that someone either has a crippling fear of anything that causes fire or an immortal hatred for children.  

If it were "A fire safety story for the whole family" it wouldnt just be the kids running like hell...  Where the fuck are their parents while theyre about to be burned alive by zombie fire starters?

Head toward a lake brave children.. head toward a lake....

Bill O'reilly wrote a book?! For Children?! Mr O'Reilly I wouldn't allow you to shit on my lawn let alone educate my children.

I flip to the page one or so .. whatever Amazon let me preview.. and I see him say for kids mind you...

"its just a little 'tease' as we say in television"  OK.. that is not a phrase reporters use exclusively.. you didnt coin a new term.. thats a rather sexual phrase to be placed in a childrens book and spun as media jargon.

This is a sad sad tragedy in writing. What i find to be my shining moment as I sit here staring into this cover is.. someone ... somewhere.. has said these words. 

"Why yes I am a published author...oh! The name of my book? 'It Hurts When I Poop!' No.. that isnt a declaration.. its the name of my book!"

My child was never afraid to poop for fear of pain...

Ive known grown men afraid to pull their pants down to poop in truck stops but thats a different fear.. one not potty related...

When pirates are pooping and realize theyre constipated is that when they say ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Also this gives new meaning to the "Poop Deck"

Also swabbing...

Also Im not buying this book either.. it is cute though but my kid didnt learn to poop from Captain Hook ...

ok.. this is about a frog whos tummy makes weird noises and he farts when he plays.. farts when he eats.. farts farts farts..

My child already finds farts funny.. Im not buying him this book or ill never stop hearing 

"HAHA! I FARTED BY YOU!"

Ok.. A LIFT THE FLAP INSTRUCTION MANUAL!?!!??!?!?!

This was cute when it was find the belly button i dont want to know what the fuck theyre gonna ask me to lift the flap on that requires you to poop or pee...

Stupid idea for a book... way to drop the ball assholes...

Another book to never grace my kids shelf

       


          The cover of this book will give me NIGHTMARES....
          Who's idea was this!?!  A book about conjoined twins... like.. do they           live that long without being seperated? So many questions.. but I
          MUST NOT BUY THIS BOOK... ever.. even if I want to know

*GAG* *GAG* Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Read the title slowly.....all of it.. then gag

OOOOOOHHHHH HELL NO! HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKIN NO!!! NOT ever PAYING money for this..this atrocity!

on a side note .. that does say Senor CACA! hahahahha

Dr COWEN WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS BOOK!?!?!

What is it with the reoccurring poop theme in children's books? They're already fascinated with poop.. lets not encourage it further.. lets write about something else.. just saying... and don't call it loose poops use its medical name.. this is a terrible title choice.

A book about trans-gender surgery for children...


HAHA! Just kidding its about coping with death.. just thought Id fuck with those of you who payed attention this long..





Needless to say I went with the classic "LAMA LAMA Mad At Mama" and he will love it.. I hope you enjoyed the giggle. YES These are real titles and real books..   Also my real uncensored opinion on these books