The collective stupidity

     Friday night I get home and sit down in my comfy computer chair. I do my usual.. I check facebook.. show forum.. blog.. ect... Someone had linked an article to their facebook page about a group who believed something that made me laugh out loud.  Now I am not wholly certain if it is, in fact, a parody or if it is, in fact, serious to these jackasses. (I say jackasses and yet I pride myself in being tolerant of others beliefs).  The thing is.. there are people out there who will grab this up hook line and sinker and put it into their mouths and consume it because LETS FACE IT.. PEOPLE EAT CRAZY. 
     They eat it up like a hot turkey dinner. They consume it and then SHIT OUT more crazy.  UFO conspiracy theories have never been my thing. I also haven't been very tolerant in the past of bat shit crazy religious theories. Hell, there just aren't a lot of things which I will hear or experience and not mock it in some way.  I'm a comedian. It is my job.  
     At any rate, the topic of this fucked up link...  JESUS IS THE BORG AND HE IS LOOKING TO ASSIMILATE US ALL... JESUS TITS IN A SNOW STORM ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! 
Jesus is BORG!?!?!?! Fucking BORG?!?! Like Star Trek pure fucking fantasy BORG.. like a hive of mechanically laden human fucking BEES.... 
     The site is hosted and created by The Luciferian Liberation Front. An organization led by two men..
Rev. Lou Siffer -- Senior Pastor and Rev. Bill Z. Bubb -- Associate Pastor... fucking beautiful.  They also refer a few times in their sites to a J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. To inform you more on the ridiculousness of these people here is what Wikipedia says about Mr. Dobbs. 

"J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, the bringer of destruction of all humanity is the figurehead of the Church of the SubGenius. His image is derived from a piece of 1950s clip art. According to SubGenius dogma, "Bob" was a drilling equipment salesman who, in 1953, saw a vision of God (JHVH-1according to Church scriptures) on a television set he had built himself. The vision inspired him to write the "PreScriptures" (as described in the Book of the SubGenius) and found the Church. The theology holds that "Bob" is the greatest salesman who ever lived, and has cheated death a number of times. He is also revered for his great follies and believed to be a savior of "slack". He was assassinated in San Francisco in 1984, though the Church states that he has come back from the dead several times since then. And I quote from the book of Dobbs, "Don't do drugs, give them to "Bob"." The quotation marks in "Bob's" name are always included when spelling his name, according to the Church."

     These men are idiots. Their website is riddled with conspiracy theories as well as claims to their authenticity.  They do admit that some of their information is given in a tongue-in-cheek way however they do urge people to see the similarities in the media and the books they quote from the Bible.  

     Not only that but the GOD whom you've grown to know and love.. or not.. is actually not a deity but a cube shaped comet which NASA says exploded into dust and debris and is floating billions of miles away from us. They claim GOD is actually an abbreviation for the Galactic Obliteration Device. (G.O.D.) A ship housing Borg like qualities which will come back to take us all and force us into servitude to the one collective consciousness. FUCK ME! Are you FUCKING kidding me?!?! 

     We can't even get Christians to agree on a common fucking idea reguarding SIMPLE SHIT. How the fuck do you think you're going to get them on board for being turned into mindless computer driven drones?!?! Wait.. they already may be... moving on.. 

     They quote Revelations 21:16 to explain how the New Jerusalem will be a BORG cube... I keep putting that in CAPS so that you can hear the loathing and ridicule in my voice even as I type. At any rate.. I found the passage in the NKJ version of The Bible. 

     "The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia in length, and as wide and high as it is long. Rev 21:16 NKJV" 

     Not only that but apparently Gene Roddenberry was a fucking PROPHET... to quote the site..  

     "The writers of Star Trek the Next Generation were being prophetic in their visions of the Borg ship when they portrayed it as a giant cube."  That's quoting the website "Jesus of Borg".. 

      So I wonder if Gene Roddenberry, a known Agnostic, would feel comfortable knowing that he has been slated as a prophet by these whacked out fucking nut jobs?! 

    I look up on Wikipedia to see what it says about religion in Star Trek. Here's what I found... 

"Although Roddenberry was raised as a Southern Baptist, he instead considered himself a humanist and agnostic. He saw religion as the cause of many wars and human suffering.^[22] Brannon Braga has said that Roddenberry made it known to the writers of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation that religion and mystical thinking were not to be included, and that in Roddenberry's vision of Earth's future, everyone was an atheist and better for it.^[23] However, Roddenberry included clear religious references in various episodes of both series under his watch. The original series episodes "Bread and Circuses", "Who Mourns for Adonais?" and "The Ultimate Computer", and the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Data's Day" are examples. On the other hand, "Metamorphosis", "The Empath", "Who Watches the Watchers", and several others reflect his agnostic views.

In the Star Trek Next Generation episode "Where Silence Has Lease" there is evidence that Captain Picard believes in a supernatural purpose for life."

      I'm betting he wasn't slating Jesus as a member of the Borg set on the destruction of all mankind. I could be wrong but I'm certain I'm likely not. 

     All I can imagine is how awkward the Last Supper would have been if Jesus had been a BORG.. it would be like eating with a transformer. “This is my body”... would have been awkward... Im betting this would change how the communion is received.  They'll have to wrap the bread in tin foil and you will have to eat the foil as well to get the full effect. "This is my blood"... wow.. where to start.. well let's just say considering the number of churches in the south alone.. figure in for lemons you have to dump a quart in every week... and there wont be a quart of oil left on a single automotive store SHELF...   That or considering if Jesus was an alien then maybe they can drink Green Kool-aid at communions... I bet that'll be ok.. 

     There are many more crazy ass fucking claims and jargon shit out into this website and what's worse is several news outlets have grabbed it up and taken it seriously.  Not that I'm even remotely saying that editorial staffs across the world could find their asses in a dark room with both hands and a flashlight but SERIOUSLY... WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!??!  

     I will leave you with the link to the site so that you too can partake of the ridiculous bullshit... 

                                                    

                                                                     Jesus of Borg

I also made a charming photo which I think best shows the ridiculousness of these claims... 

That is all... That is all... 

10 tips for handling a UFO sighting

According to MUFON, the Mutual UFO Network, if you have a close encounter with an unidentified flying object, there are ten things that you should do to make the most of the experience. 

1. REMAIN CALM, but protect yourself from any hazards real or perceived.

2. Be objective. Not every UFO is extraterrestrial.

3. Use a camcorder or camera to record the event.

4. If you have a tape recorder, record your description of the event as it happens.

5. If other witnesses are present ask them to also write or record their observations.

6. If the UFO left some trace of its presence behind do not disturb the area around it.

7. If the sighting is from a distance, at an arms length, what would it take to cover up the object? A Quarter? A Penny?

8. Try to judge the distance from you to the object, the objects altitude, and its speed.

9. Should you encounter some type extraterrestrial being associated with the craft be prepared to take evasive action to protect yourself.

10. Immediately report the event to a UFO research organization.

Here is the list that I have compiled 

1. Try not to shit on yourself. You'll need to stand in front of the camera later and you don't want your overalls or moo moo to be stained. 

2. Remember if you're still here its not that you weren't attractive enough to be probed. 

3. Use a camera to record the incident and try not to let your brother do it he's been drinkin' since noon and 5 minutes of your cousin Lisa's cleavage with screams about "extryterrestrals" in the background doesn't make the news (in america) 

4. If all you got is a karaoke machine your cousin brought to the party last Christmas put a cassette in it and commentate the entire experience between gulps of beer. 

5. If yer kin are around when it happens make sure they all write the events down .. if they can't write then use your junior college degree to write it for them as they tell it to you. 

6. If the ufo left anything behind try not to put it into your mouth and definitely don't take it back and put it on your mantel next to uncle Red's trophy buck. 

7. if its in the distance try to see what would cover it up at an arms distance.. like a beer can.. a coozie.. or a def leopard 8 track... 

8. Try to guage if the ufo was faster than or slower than that 12 point buck you almost shot from the passenger window of yer aunt's jacked up Blazer as it ran from the highway last year. 

9. If you encounter an extryterrestral beein from the ship make sure you remember your kay-rah-tey. If you have yer 30-30 shoot at it. 

10. call every news station and radio station in the country.. and dont forget to call yer family.. Wear yer huntin gear when yer on the air.. itll look more professional ta the military people. 

Remember .. ufo's are no laughing matter.. take every encounter seriously. 

Books you probably shouldn't buy your children: A continuance

The other day it occurred to me that there were more books that needed to be included in my list of books a parent probably shouldn't buy for their children.  I will not be making that list. Instead I have lured you the concerned parent in as a way of simply showing you some books which I felt needed to be honored for their originality and fringe status.

First book was a personal favorite of mine. Why? Because many a night as a parent I have muttered these words to myself as I read through that ever favored bed time book ritual...

The next book I am about to list got a chuckle out of me purely by the name alone. Then I clicked on a page preview and got yet another chuckle. The photos will speak for themselves. 

Parents.. seriously stop buying your child's friends if youre just going to kill them.... youre causing trauma.

What are you going to do about it now?! THEYRE ALL FUCKING DEAD!!! hehe 

The second book got a laugh out of me mostly because this is a book I want to buy and gift to a majority of the children in my life. Why?! Because parents dont discipline their children and I have to hear them bitch and whine all the time. My child doesnt do this.. because I taught him at an early age that you cant get what you want by whining for it. Some children either dont get this concept or their parents just kinda forgot to teach it to them. Either way.. I feel compelled to educate them. 

 I know I would have whined a hella lot less as a child if someone had told me that it would land my fat ass cooked into a 45lb burger.. 

Two whiney ass patties on a bun.. special sauce special sauce... 

The next book was a gem of literary excellence. I know when I was a child and my mother was going through menopause this book would have led me to many a sleepless night locked in a closet protecting my cranium from being split open and eaten from like the monkey heads on an Indiana Jones movie. 

The next book is for you trailer trash types with five children and no way to utilize their wasted talents.. 

Why just have children playing around in your home if you cant put them to good use?! 

For those of you who feel angered by the cuteness of certain animals on this planet.. I present you with the next book. 

I for one have always felt penguins were pretentious little assholes for wearing suits and making everyone else feel so under dressed. 

The next book I found to be surprisingly informative... 

Feels like it may be a response to Go the Fuck to Sleep.. its not however.. its sooo much more. It opens with an amusing limerick which I will share with you now.. 

The was a young man of Calcutta

Who had a terrible sttttt-tutter

He is reported to have said 

Please pass me some bbbbbb-bread

And also some bbbbbb-butter!

This book I feel was the perfect book for your emo child. Dont let anyone ever say there isnt something for everyone on Amazon. 

The next book surprises me for one reason: I am surprised my mother didnt write it first. She was an expert at it.. call her a professional guilt tripper if you will.  I cant tell you how many times in my life Ive heard the words..    

"Im sure you have lots of friends whod rather be my child" 

I remember clearly thinkin   "THANK GOD!! I thought I was going to have to be the only one at bat here" 

When I had my first child my mother gave me the original version of this book "Pat the Bunny" it was flimsy and stupid and not at all something my child would remotely give a rat's ass about. I intend on giving them this book instead when they have a child. 

A very hands on approach to zombieism.. I approve.. 

They tried to market this one as a timeless love story.. a true classic for the likes of Byron and Shelley... 

To quote the first line of this timeless classic.... 

 "Nothing can stop Love. Wait... Not love... Zombies.. Nothing can stop zombies." 

This is the final bit of hilarity which I felt would be a marvelous place to end this blog. I will end it how the end of every good day Ive ever had has ended. It has ended with me cussing the rising dawn... 

Nuff said... weve all been there...

OMG SHUT UP ALREADY!

 

What is it to be well known? It means five a.m. Skype calls and random messages on facebook. It means never having a moment that EVERYONE in God's creation doesnt know about. It means people "KNOW" you. People "Love" you. It means stalkers. Cyber stalkers and real life watching you pee stalkers.
I have had a few of these on facebook the conversation goes as follows.

OMG I LOVE YOU! You are AWESOME!

Thank you so much! :D

Can I have a lock of your hair?

WTF?

Or we could chat here .. whatever's cool with you...

...

When did it become ok to start asking complete strangers EVERYTHING about thier daily life? I KNOW its not OK with me! I had a guy the other night tell me he wanted me to change my hair color back to BLACK! I had another one tell me he was disappointed in my photo that I had put on facebook because he hated to see me not smiling and I had such a beautiful smile. I was like OK well if im not smiling WHERE HAS THIS STRANGER SEEN ME SMILE!?!

I will say something on the radio. I get comments ranging from OMG to HAHA to YOURE AN ASSHOLE to YOU HAVE NO CLASS THAT'S NOT FUNNY. I even got called Racist one day for saying that I couldn't speak French. I was like "well im sorry I had no idea that not hating the french meant speaking their language! No wonder they seem so snobby! THEY THINK NO ONE LIKES THEM!" I wanted to tell her Listen your language sounds sexy but its hard for me to pronounce because of all the years I spent drinking American Beer and smoking American cigarettes... But I DIDNT!

ALL the time I get lumped in with the "Para Celebrity" bunch. First of all Im not a celebrity. IM well known. IM NOT EVEN THAT WELL KNOWN PEOPLE. In fact the only thing I have in common with most of these people is Facebook and research. Yes, I'm on the radio. YES, I know well connected people. YES, I am gifted. However, with all of this para-drama going on lately I dont want to be lumped in with the other "Para Celebs" and their retarded delusions of grandeur.

Now dont get me wrong there are some AWESOME and BADASS people out there I would consider of celebrity status. However Drama isnt what got them there .. their integrity is what got them that recognition. They are unshakable in their craft and they are knowledgeable, and they are LOYAL!

I get a lot of people on my facebook who think that i am this sweet charming little southern girl from Oklahoma. Here's the thing. IM AN ASSHOLE. Im not sweet. I make fun of people for a living. Im a GOD DAMNED COMEDIAN! No, I dont give a SHIT if what I say on a radio show offends you. Don't listen. I dont give a shit if my status offends you... UNADD ME! If its funny and it pays me Im gonna do it.

I am however fiercely loyal to my friends and family. NOT MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS who are no closer to me than the click of the button that put them there. I love and ADORE my family. I love and adore so many people it would be hard to list them for fear of forgetting someone. Listen up! They matter. You are a fan...

I liked when facebook had that distinction. When you could FAN someone instead of LIKE them. I can guarantee you will never hear me say OOOOOooo BOB.. Finklestein from Oregon LIKES ME MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!! I go.. oh.. well i guess you can stay. I click allow and I NEVER LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE AGAIN UNLESS YOU COMMENT ON MY PAGE!

I get tired of the messages from the unsolicited psychics out there bringing doom to my doorstep as a means of soliciting readings. I dont mind when someone with a REAL gift comes to me and says HEY look I got a message for you and you need to hear it. I have a problem when I open my mail and the headline reads as follows.


OMG I SAW YOU DIE IN A VISION. COME TO MY SITE AND ILL TELL YOU MORE.

I can guarantee if i click on that link its either a virus or a paypal link. Heres the thing. I AM A PSYCHIC WHY WOULD I PAY YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW?!
I can see how taking payment for services is viable. Im not going to belittle your idea of the value of your time. All I ASK is that you WAIT UNTIL I COME TO YOU BEFORE YOU TRY TO SELL ME SHIT AND TELL ME ITS GOLD.

I have all the bullshit I can handle people. Im not a fertilizer salesman, Im not a farmer, and i dont have a garden. Which means THAT I HAVE ALL OF THE SHIT I CAN HANDLE RIGHT NOW AND I DONT NEED YOURS.

Now dont get me wrong I am greatful for my fans. But be fans for christ's sake DONT TRY TO MOVE IN WITH ME AND SLEEP ON THE FOOT OF MY BED. I HAVE A LAP DOG THANK YOU MUCH. DONT PROFESS YOUR LOVE TO ME ON FACEBOOK. I COULD PRETTY MUCH GIVE A DAMN IF YOU FEEL LIKE IM YOUR SOULMATE. I HAVE MATED. MOVE ON.

Please feel free to read my wall.. view my comments... watch videos of me.. whatever.. I LOVE my fans I DO. BUT I DONT LOVE THEM LIKE A PIRATE LOVES HOOKERS. THERE ARE LIMITS. I will not LOVE your pocketbook.

I understand its lonely in bat shit crazy land but seriously.... Save me the crazy talk.. I am crazy enough for one of us.